| Author | Message | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 132 Registered: 07-2005 |
Revised: Evergreen needles defect from a perfect commune of boughs. Maple leaves colonize lawns that promise nothing but decay. Even a cult of dandelions encourages its own beheading. Original: Evergreen needles defect from a perfect commune of boughs. Maple leaves colonize lawns that promise nothing but decay. Even a cult of dandelions encourages its own beheading. Why can't I accept the subtle rebellions of continuity or concede that living is simply an act of dying? C. Kelly (Message edited by ponderlust on August 06, 2005) (Message edited by ponderlust on August 07, 2005) (Message edited by ponderlust on August 07, 2005) (Message edited by ponderlust on August 07, 2005) | ||
| Tim
Intermediate Member Username: voices Post Number: 356 Registered: 08-2004 |
nice poem love the positive turned pessimistic, living is an act of dying but dying is an act of living | ||
| Penelope
New member Username: penelope Post Number: 7 Registered: 07-2005 |
Cary, I like the way the poem moves from the plural and impersonal aspects of "subtle rebellions of continuity" to the singular and personal, which, of course, answers the speaker's own question. Consciousness and ego are what fuels our rebellion to the rebellion. And while "subtle rebellions of continuity" is a fine image in itself, it functions euphemistically as well, in keeping with the speaker's distance from the truth to which he can't concede. And I do like the reversal of the question... another resistance . Lots of likes for me in this poem. Thanks. | ||
| susan wiener
Valued Member Username: susie Post Number: 112 Registered: 07-2004 |
Wow, one poem is better than the next, Cary! | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 134 Registered: 07-2005 |
Tim... Thanks for reading this one and for pointing out the inverse of the last line. Penelope... I truly enjoyed reading your take on this. You've keenly turned it inside out and eloquently labeled it for what it is. Thank you much! Susan... Thanks for coming! Cary... | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1448 Registered: 08-2003 |
I'd have to agree with Tim on this one--I think it works both ways and is certainly a matter of choice. A cult of dandelions--very original. Not easy to bring new life to nature (or death) as you have here  E | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 141 Registered: 07-2005 |
E... Thank you for liking this and for cherrypicking "a cult of dandelions". I'm pleased my dabblings in the occult came off as interesting. Cary... | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2625 Registered: 07-2002 |
Cary, This couplet is stellar: Even a cult of dandelions encourages their own beheading. One grammar nit--a cult is 'singular' so should be 'its own beheading.' You create a strong mood in this piece. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 144 Registered: 07-2005 |
LJ... You favor my favorite... it was also the Genesis for the poem. Good catch on the tense disagreement. I off to change it now. Cary... | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4771 Registered: 11-1998 |
Hmmmmm, loved the poem, Cary, right up until the ending two verses. The wit in the first three was stellar (defect, commune, colonize, beheading) and, therefore, the last two fell a little flat for me. I wonder what would happen if you stretched, really reached for something less cliche in the end? I've heard that we're all dying one too many times, I guess. *sigh* | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 147 Registered: 07-2005 |
Yes M, you are quite correct... one plastic button amongst all the shiny brass ones. I should learn how to trust my title and not yield to my writer's desire to report the ending. In this instance, I am poet. Thanks for reminding me. Cary... | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4778 Registered: 11-1998 |
Thanks for taking the criticism in the positive way it was intended, Cary. After I wrote that comment, I realized that I hadn't said these were my personal opinions. Also that I hadn't noted that I wouldn't be this hard on you unless I thought you had way above average talent. I let a lot of people get away with things I would call you on. That's because I know you're better than this ending indicates. Just trying to make you the best you can be. And all the work I've read from you so far points to the fact that you definitely are a poet. And an extremely gifted one at that. *smile* It's wonderful to have someone with your skills here at Wild. Thanks for continuing to post with us. | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 149 Registered: 07-2005 |
After I wrote that comment, I realized that I hadn't said these were my personal opinions. I know exactly what you mean. I never want to impose my feelings for a poem and when addressing poets that don't know me, I try to remember informing them that I'm only an expert at my own opinion. As for a disclaimer in your case, it is hardly necessary. I've read enough of your critiques to realize you understand the art of critique and that you are in fact, a poet's greatest ally. And all the work I've read from you so far points to the fact that you definitely are a poet. And an extremely gifted one at that. *smile* It's wonderful to have someone with your skills here at Wild. Thanks for continuing to post with us. I'm truly honored. Thank you for having me M. Cary... (Message edited by ponderlust on August 07, 2005) | ||
| Dan Cox
New member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 7 Registered: 08-2005 |
Great poem, especially the first three verses. I agree the ending is flat, but for a somewhat different reason. Although the idea that "living is part of dying" is cliche, your own struggles with that idea (and Thanatos and perfection and rebellion and the numerous other ideas conjured up by the initial imagery) are most certainly not cliche. To me, it seems the difficult mission here is to come up with your own resolution- or a more refined question- that is worthy of this poem's marvelous beginning. | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 86 Registered: 05-2005 |
hi cary consider just ending after s3, let the reader take it from there. thx for the read, the first 6 lines very fine. s | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 150 Registered: 07-2005 |
Dan... Well met and thank you for your intriguing comments. Being a fan of paradox, I love how you've shown that I've used cliche in an original way. Still it suffers and the ending didn't quite coalesce with the rest of the poem the way I had hoped. Which brings me to a revision I just posted. I decided the best way to make this poem seamless was to extend the subtle theme that governs the first six pairs of couplets. Hope that works? Would love your opinion either way. Steve... Thank you for toeing the waters of my poetry and for the suggestion to amputate the last two couplets. I did consider it and were I on good terms with brevity, I might even have gone with it. With that said, if you take a look at my revision, I'd be highly interested in knowing if I've ruined the poem or made it better? Cary... | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 88 Registered: 05-2005 |
hi cary well i'm sticking with the first 6 lines. what i see after that is an attempt to say something, to tell us what this all means. that goal is what i would review. instead of telling us, why not find another image that shows us something. how about writing from the point of view of a plant. perhaps one waiting to be pruned, personify it a bit and get your message out by its reaction to what is happening to it. you've sort of got some lines in here from a plant's perspective, i'd expand that idea. good luck with this s | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4781 Registered: 11-1998 |
After further reflection on the original and the revision, Cary, this is hard to say, so realize that I'm trying to be attentive to your feelings first and foremost. Shut up after this: "Even a cult of dandelions encourages its own beheading." You've said it, hon. Right there in those first three couplets. They make a magnificent statement. Now, be quiet and let the poem go into the waiting arms of the reader for interpretation. This is one of THE hardest lessons to learn as a poet. When to just shut up!  DISCLAIMER: These statements are the personal opinion of M. They may or may not reflect the opinions of others. *LMAO* | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1478 Registered: 08-2003 |
Dear M poets can never shut up. They're the most talktative bunch I know.  I can see M's point and it's because these 6 lines are so superb, one really wants to end there. If believe if you decided to keep this at 3 cuplets you would have to change the title literally to something more significant. These lines are weighty and I think it needs a comparable title. And IF you decide to move beyond these 6 lines, I would say you are nearly there. Why can't I accept the subtle rebellions of continuity; that we all must yield to the governings of gravity in order to appease its _____________ You could even end at "gravity" if you wanted to make that point which works too but politics brings this very fine philosphical look down into the muck IMHO. It would need to rely on something more profound and meaningful than our bountiful bureaucrats. Here's two more cents worth.... Hope this is helpful. E | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 152 Registered: 07-2005 |
Steve and M... While I am in whole-hearted agreeance with you two that ending it after L6 would suffice, I just feel like there's something else that wants to be said. Alas, I'm not exactly sure what it is. In the meanwhile, I think I'm going with the advice to abbreviate the poem. Thanks for coming back and for re-showing me the light. E... I agree that this puppy needs a new dog tag since I've decided to go with the six line version. It was pretty bold of me to try and poeticize bureacracy. What was I thinking? Thanks, immensely, to the three of you. One way or another I'm going to shed this feeling of responsibility to make the reader understand. Cary... | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1134 Registered: 11-2003 |
encourages its own beheading is brilliant work laurie | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 173 Registered: 07-2005 |
Thanks laurie... Sorry I didn't say so sooner. I didn't venture this far down the page until now. **shrugs** Cary... |
